Why me? Why the hell me? Why let me fall in love so deeply, only to take it away from me? I couldn’t come to terms with the loss at all. At any point in any day, I would burst into tears. The loss of control I felt when these tears smothered me, scared me to death. I could be in my car driving in traffic to work, and suddenly this overwhelming ache would move up my shoulders, up the back of my neck and culminate in floods of tears. I’d arrive at work only to tell them I couldn’t cope and then drive home. I’d be working with the kids in the classroom and suddenly tears would stream down my face. I’d go home and sit on the couch in the lounge, with a cushion in my lap. Staring at nothing. Sitting there for hours. Until my family came home. Then I’d go into automatic pilot mode and cook and clean and help with homework and all manner of mundane day to day things a wife and mother does. Along would come walk time again, and off I’d go with the dog. He must have thought I was stark. She must have leaned against the door and made a noise. All of a sudden Harker became aware of her presence. His hand had been down his pants, but they were still zipped (Christi found herself wondering how hard, and how big, the video had made him so far…), and he ripped his hand out and scrambled furiously trying to close windows, finally resorting to slamming the laptop closed as he wheeled around toward the door. ‘What do you want?’ he almost screamed. His voice was muffled by the still-closed door. Christi knocked on it hesitantly. He glared at her, then opened the door a bit. ‘Hi… I, um… I was walking by and I …. Well, you might want to cover the window a bit when you’re…. you know… in case the library staff comes by,’ she stammered. His face was pale white. ‘Oh god, I — are you going to tell?’ ‘What?’ Christi answered. ‘No! Why would I? I mean… pshhh… everyone’s got their… you know, their private stuff, don’t they? I don’t mind. Just thought you’d want to be more… private.’.
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